R U OK does an amazing job, but don’t short change them. Every day is R U OK day.

If you’re going to ask, be prepared. Read through the resources linked below and make sure you have the time and are in the headspace to really listen.

There are aspects of R U OK day that fill me with dread. It’s the awkward conversation from someone who isn’t prepared for the answer, from someone that is asking the question, not out of concern but to tick the box, to comply with this new social norm, once a year, on R U OK day.

This was supposed to be a day of rejoicing, albeit for a pretty innocuous reason. My year in a kilt done and dusted… but as the day grew nearer, I felt a great reluctance to go back to my leg prisons, to go back to ‘normal’.

December 31st... and with that comes an end to my year in the kilt…

“That’s great James… we already know you’re a massive nerd! What’s the point of all of this?”

A lot of the time, if someone isn’t ok, you don’t get an honest answer from them. It’s not that they want to lie, it’s just that it’s easier to say “Yes, I’m fine” than delve into why you’re not OK.

Have you ever been in the position when you knew you had to do something, but didn’t quite know how to go about it? Perhaps it’s something you’ve been putting off for too long, something that you knew was important, but was painful, or arduous, or just harder than filling your time with innocuous things that merely delayed the inevitable?

I like to saturate my brain. Rather, my brain is always saturated. It constantly is churning, deliberating, forever in need of… well, I haven’t quite worked that out yet.

I’ve always loved the Tour de France and it starts this Saturday! I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but of me, it’s finally something to look forward to.
I’m off to find some onions!

Stupid ideas. I’ve had more than my fair share, wearing a kilt for a year being a strong contender for the top position, but over the past week, I’ve felt that uneasy itching that usually signifies I’m about to do something that I haven’t thought enough about, but commit to it anyway.

… things like this are a good way of practicing for when things really do matter.

… that little win had defeated my anxiety because it knew it couldn’t sabotage me anymore.

August 1st… and with that comes a close to Dry July, and what was probably the largest consecutive number of days that I haven’t had a drink of alcohol since I was 18. That in and of itself is a little concerning… but let’s move on shall we?

Some people seem to be able to move about so effortlessly. Always up for a challenge, ready to face the day head on, all filled with confidence and self-belief. I envy that.

Others are held back by their own internal friction, restrained from the same freedom almost like the difference between fast flowing waters and honey on a cold morning.

It seems the scales tip so very easily and I’m backed up as far as I can go from the fulcrum to harness every bit of mechanical advantage. And still… it keeps dripping on the other side. And with each day, each negative or errant thought, each regret of not reaching out or replying, it drips again.

Dirty egg sucking dog ate my homework.

…I feel hollow, as though there’s a chasm inside, and yet, nothing for the echos to reverberate against; an anechoic chamber of emotions and thoughts. I’m still functioning, but it’s more like muscle memory than consciousness.

I think of my drinking a little like I think of my juggling. To a teetotaler, there are times when I could be seen as a raging alcoholic, but to the raging alcoholic, I’m a lightweight (but perhaps one with promise).