day three hundred and twenty-nine - can of worms

R U OK? Well… that depends on the criteria. It’s a loaded question, and one I’m oft asked, partially due to this year in the kilt, but also because much of the time, I’m clearly not OK.

A lot of the time, if someone isn’t ok, you don’t get an honest answer from them. It’s not that you want to lie, it’s just that it’s easier to say “Yes, I’m fine” than delve into why you’re not OK. There’s a reason they sell corn and beans in cans, but not worms. They are seldom opened by choice with few seeking them out. The consequence for both parties can be more than is bargained for.

It’s also a really personal question, and one that may come with a lot of judgement. I mean, we’re all supposed to be OK, right? It’s kind of in the name. There’s a stigma that can surround being not OK… un-OK? Even if you know the person asking is unlikely to be judgemental, there are decades upon decades of culture that influence and inform one's answer, even before you can really consider the question. In many people’s eye’s, not being OK is a sign of weakness and failure.

What’s if the person is a friend, an acquaintance, a colleague, a spouse, a parent… there are layers of complexity imbued into each relationship. Is it better to be honest and potentially overshare, dealing with any consequence or further questioning, or to just play the game and to say all is well?

Much of the time, you can tell when people want to know the real answer or are just trying to be polite. Many aren’t really asking if you’re really ok, they just know that as a society, it’s now a box to be ticked. That’s not a direct criticism, more a comment on what I’ve experienced. It’s the “No. I’m really not OK.” that can throw people off. It’s almost an affront, as though you’ve called their bluff.

Whilst I’m still somewhat judicious about my answer, a while ago, I started to be honest. Not to call their bluff, but to be open, vulnerable, and to try to crack the exterior I’ve placed around me. Sometimes it’s met with derision… but very rarely. More often it’s either surprise mixed with a ⅓ of a cup of sadness with regret added to taste.

Regardless, it’s what I’m doing. It’s honest. It’s the answer to the question, because if we as a society are being conditioned to, at the very least once a year, asking people if they’re OK, we’d better be prepared for the other half of that conversation. Depending on how that goes, it could well determine how that person answers it the next time, and that can have far reaching consequences if they ever need to seek help in the future.

If you’re going to ask, care enough about the person you’re asking to listen to them. Give them a safe space. It may be the first time for them to finally open up.

Kilt of the Day - Andersen Modern Tartan

Soundtrack - OK (Anxiety Anthem) - Mabel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyROFW0kaAo&ab_channel=Mabel-Topic

Link of the day - R U OK?
https://www.ruok.org.au/