day two hundred and twenty-eight - bloody anxiety
I woke up and saw a post from a friend saying that they’d just donated blood. It’s something that’s really important to me as I’ve written about previously, but so far this year, I haven’t been in to do it. Today though, I thought I’d check the app to see if there were any last minute appointments. There was a free slot in the early afternoon and I booked in. As I rarely, if ever, leave the house for anything other than grocery shopping or school pickups, there needs to be an exceptional reason for me to be able to justify it. Donating blood fit the bill.
The last two times I attempted a donation, I was turned back. One was due to the new concoction of prescription medication I was on for anxiety and depression, the other because my heart rate was elevated above 100bpm. Whilst completely understandable, it was hard to hear that I was ineligible on those two occasions and still weighed on my mind.
I had a look at my watch which tracks my heart rate, and shortly after the booking was confirmed, I went from around 70bpm to 120bpm. I was so anxious that I would be over 100bpm that I started to panic. I tried to get ready calmly but it wasn’t working. I scrambled to research breathing exercises that could help to bring my pulse down. They worked and I got it back down to around 90bpm.
In the car, it had skyrocketed again. I went through the front door, signed in, filled out the forms, waited in the foyer - all the while knowing that I was between 20 and 30bpm over the limit and I’d have, yet again, wasted their time and resources whilst simultaneously succumbing to my anxiety. I closed my eyes and breathed and consciously as I could until I was called up.
When I went to the interview room, during the discussion, I mentioned my anxiety and that I thought I may be over. I was hovering around 105bpm at the time. The nurse was amazingly understanding and just talked normally with me whilst we went through the process. When it was time for the test, she said I’d just scraped through at 98bpm. I was elated!
Shortly after, when I was being hooked up, my heart rate had dropped to around 75bpm. That little 2 bpm win had defeated my anxiety because it knew it couldn’t sabotage me anymore.
The rest of the process went really smoothly. As always, the staff at the blood bank were exceptionally kind and professional. My veins were complimented, my civic duty done, my message to my brother letting him know I was ‘back on the tools’ sent, and post donation muffin and chocolate milk quaffed. Hopefully my anxiety gets the message so I’m able to go back to being a regular fortnightly donor once again.
Kilt of the day - Ross Modern Hunting Tartan
Soundtrack of the day - Pulse - Ani DiFranco
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFuKrtH09ec
Link of the day - Australian Red Cross - Lifeblood
https://www.donateblood.com.au/
