Anger. It’s a valid emotion, and if it doesn’t result in violence or harm, I’ll take it over complacence any day, especially if it leads to positive action. And today I’m angry, frustrated, fed up and agitated (to be honest, in this context, I have been for a very, very long time, and the affect on my mental health hasn’t been good). Terrifyingly, it all feel like it’s coming to the crunch.

For many, complacence is easy. Ignorance is easy. Acceptance of a bad situation can be easy. But these are not easy times, and it is not the time for any of these things. Being blindsided and gaslighted about things that really matter is the order of the day, and many seems to eating their portion.

The past 10 days have been terribly hectic. I don’t quite know where to start but it feels like everything is getting away from me.

If I were asked for a single, fifteen letter to describe how I’m feeling right now, (which is not as uncommon an occurrence as you may believe), discombobulated seems to do the trick.

…The other day however, my chance at great power came. I got bitten by a spider, or rather, I had a rather intimate, non-consensual visit from an arachnid. Had I known, I would have told it that that wasn’t what I was here for….

Some people seem to have an ability to go about their day, seeing only through their own lens, only focussing on issues that directly concern them. The plights and concerns of others fall by the wayside. Perhaps it’s ignorance. Perhaps it’s single-mindedness. Perhaps it’s selfishness. Perhaps they just got an extra helping of douchebaggery.

I’ve been having writers block - sort of. More specifically, I’ve been having writers paralysis. Too many thoughts, too many ideas, all trying to surface at the time and jamming up before they can come out.

From pavlova, to Phar Lap, Russell Crowe to Crowded House, Australia is really good at stealing things from New Zealand. Why though, do we stop there?

Much like this unorganised, ill-prepared project, I got onto The Big Splash too late, and didn’t organise a team to take part. And more’s the pity. In the little taste I got, it seemed like a large squad of kilted swimmers may fit right in…

I’ve been a grumpy old bastard for years, sitting on my back porch, waving my fist at the sky. But soon, in many peoples eyes, I’ll have the age to match.

…in between all of this, was the music in my head, latching onto jingles in the background, replaying part or full songs I’d heard, putting a bass line to an odd rhythm the washing machine made, or making up new melodies, rhythms and songs. Some of it was good, much of it was bad, but it was all music… literally all the time.

Whenever I get ill, there seems to be a higher chance that I’ll experience depression. I’m rarely worried or anxious about the physical illness, or get symptoms of hypochondria, but I do know I’m more susceptible to that blanket that comes over the mind, clouding my thoughts, and making the whole ‘being sick’ thing suck beyond the telling.

The other day, it was pointed out to me that I often speak horribly to myself. It occasionally comes out in my writing, or if I’m heard berating and chastising myself (usually for something pretty insignificant).

This evening, I had the extreme pleasure of an evening of music at the HotHouse Theatre. They have a quarterly concert series called the Galah Bar where they host a range of acts from music, comedy to circus throughout the evening.

So, these days, I don’t have a lot of rational fear in my life. But at times, these daily posts have been probably the scariest thing I’ve done in a long time. There’s the weight of a post-a-day, the guilt of getting behind and trying to carefully consider what I’m going to write about, the daunting number of days left in the year; It all feels like a lot of pressure I’ve placed upon myself… like having to climb a mountain without ropes…

Panic attack. Two words rarely employed independently in good situations, and together, can be enough to trigger their namesake. I had my first proper panic attack as an adult. It was quite an innocuous situation that ordinarily, I’d have been able to deal with well, but this was anything but ordinary.

…one time, I went into my favourite music store. The kind where you can be immersed into a different world surrounded by music, instruments and like minded souls. I had an hour gap between students, and money burning a hole in my wallet - a dangerous combination indeed.

One thing that I’ve always done, is play with numbers in my head. Maths games in the car on journeys as a child, counting in sequences, finding patterns in numbers around me. I find that this distraction can help to quell the other negative thoughts that can be swirling around my head.

I’ve been procrastinating - Knowing that there are things that need to be done, but letting them build over me until it feels like I’m pinned under a lethargic gorilla. The more it builds, the more anxious I become, and the gorilla gets heavier, which in turn encourages more procrastination. I find this feedback loop that can be quite hard to get out of.

We all need to get better at talking. To be more open and understanding, to recognise the triggers and signs of mental illness in those around you. As a society and culture where mental health and suicide affects so many, we can’t continue down the same path and expect a different outcome. It’d be wonderful if the skills to do this were more widely taught.

It does make you think about the potential there is in one week… in one day. What can be planned, what can be done, what steps can be taken towards something better, and how to go about achieving that.