day fifty-eight - fear
I don’t scare too easily. I’m not superstitious and my belief in science over the supernatural makes it easy to rationalise bumps in the night. That said, one of the things that I was told as a child when I was having recurring nightmares, “You don’t have to worry about dead people. It’s the living ones you have to keep an eye on!”. [Thanks Cliff - That one has stuck with me!]
Never been too much of a risk taker either, and when I do, I like them to be well considered and mitigated. It’s the difference between free soloing a rock climb, armed with nothing but shoes and a chalk-bag, to climbing with ropes, harness and all the safety gear.
So, these days, I don’t have a lot of rational fear in my life. But at times, these daily posts have been probably the scariest thing I’ve done in a long time. There’s the weight of a post-a-day, the guilt of getting behind and trying to carefully consider what I’m going to write about, the daunting number of days left in the year; It all feels like a lot of pressure I’ve placed upon myself… like having to climb a mountain without ropes.
Then there’s having to think deeply about various issues in my life and society in general. Sometimes it’s cathartic, but unless it’s a fairly innocuous, less personal post, I’m really overthinking. Reliving some of the experiences through a different lens. Worried about how it may read or come across. Worried if I’m exposing too much of myself. Worried about the ramifications it may all have for me and those around me. Worried about [insert weird thing my brain does here].
I hope I’m not oversharing and making people uncomfortable. Sorry if I am. Whilst it’s entirely optional to read any of this, I still feel responsible to write in a respectful and considered way. With over 300 journal entries remaining in the year, I’m sure I’ll touch on some subjects that seem unnecessary, or touch on sore points for some. Hopefully, the fear associated with being open and exposed will subside too.
Somewhere inside, I feel that this year it’s the right thing for me to do. That this weird unplanned or thought through thing may be positive. That it may help in some small, strange way. Finger crossed.
Kilt of the day - Black Stewart Hiking Kilt
Song of the day - Iron Maiden - Fear of the Dark
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0N1yY937qg
Link of the day - Alex Honnold - TED Talk - How I climbed a 3,000-foot vertical cliff — without ropes
https://www.ted.com/talks/alex_honnold_how_i_climbed_a_3_000_foot_vertical_cliff_without_ropes
