day ninety-seven - echo
Words echo through my head. Words I’ve read, heard, thought, or said. The cruel may say that’s due to the vast empty space in there. Cripplingly, the cruelest voice in this regard is often my own.
Like many, I hate to hear a recording of my voice. There’s the classic “I don’t really sound like that, do I?” comment, but I go a step further. I can’t help but dwell on the choice of words, cadence, pregnant pauses. I’ll count the eerrrs, umms and ahhs, and kick myself for an ineloquent turn of phrase.
So after Saturday’s radio interview, when I found the link to be able to listen again, I was very reluctant. As soon as it finished, I came away rueing how it had gone, remembering failings, awkward moments, and missed opportunities.
Strangely, I felt more down about myself and the project than I had in a while. One of the biggest chances to spread the kilted message, especially in these days of isolation, and I felt I blew it. But, with a dose of schadenfreude, I couldn’t help but listen, even if only to reassure myself just how poorly it went.
And it wasn’t perfect. And it kind of sucked to listen to. And I umm’d and err’d. And that all gave my inner voice a chance to echo through my head with an informed clarity.
But that’s a lousy outcome, and there’s so many of those in these times.
I read some of the comments, again and again. Comments from friends. People who took the time to say lovely things, people with whom it connected. Initially, any nice comments seemed to hit the surface, but slide off my impermeable self-deprecation. Slowly however, it became these comments that echoed in my head rather than my perceived failings, or cringy soundbites.
It was hard to turn my brain around. It so often is. But I cannot thank everyone for taking the time to help me, because now it’s those words of love that are echoing in my head - and that feels amazing.
Kilt of the Day - Mackay Tartan Sport Kilt
Soundtrack of the day - The Echo Song - Paul Gilbert
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2EyupH54Bs (live from an instructional video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRZyo8PUqXQ (studio - Get Out Of My Yard)
