day thirty seven - really? you?

It would seem that much of the time, I come across as a fairly happy, nice kind of person, or at least that’s what I’m oft-told (though I’m sure the consensus is far more varied).

Over the years, I’ve ticked many of society’s boxes. Being functional, holding a good job, being part of a happy and loving family, avoiding climbing street posts whilst yelling incoherent abuse at random strangers whilst wearing an ill-fitting chicken suit… that kind of thing.

So when some people are now hearing that I’ve been living with mental illness for much of my life, it seems to come as a shock. Now that I’m being so open about it, it’s taken the veil off and exposed a far more personal side to my life.

Like some illnesses, there are fewer external symptoms on display. If I had a broken leg, it would be abundantly clear - society knows how to deal with that. If I had something like crohn’s or coeliac disease, it’s far less obvious to an outsider, and at times far easier to mask should you choose.

For the most part, I was able to mask my symptoms when being around other people. Indeed, being around other people sometimes would be the thing that temporarily alleviated them. But what was happening inside my head, or especially when I was alone was completely different.

We can all push things down inside us. Ignore feelings and problems. Put on a mask to hide what is really happening. Sometimes the pressure and compression from pushing these things down dissipate them gradually over time, but more often than not, they harden, fester and can grow like a cancer.

These two scenarios are not the only options. Talking with family and friends... or even strangers can really help. Being open, vulnerable - and finding out that it’s ok to do that. Utilising the resources of the hundreds of local and national organisations dedicated to mental health. Seeking help from your GP, and connecting with psychologists, psychiatrists, and other mental health professionals. All these things are there, and far healthier than pressurising your mind until it feels as though you’ll burst.

This is just my experience. Others will be different, but there is a common thread.

For those that don’t yet know, you can’t tell how someone truly is just by seeing the external side they allow you to see, or hearing the cursory response “I’m fine”.

So do I suffer from depression and anxiety, even if it’s not always apparent?

Yes.

Really.

Me.

Kilt of the day - Ross Modern Hunting Tartan

Soundtrack of the Day - Radiohead "How To Disappear Completely”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZq_jeYsbTs

Link of the day - The Secret Pain of "Smiling" Depression - Rita Labeaune, Psy.D

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-guest-room/201411/the-secret-pain-smiling-depression