day thirty one - badgers don’t have high self-esteem
I was always due to go bald at some stage. They say it’s genetic. When my mates would rib be about it, they’d say “Oh look. You’re going bald… It runs in the family”. “Baldness runs on your Mother’s side”. I’d retort. “But that doesn’t give me much confidence. My Mum is bald as an badger!” trying to make light of the situation. (Sorry Mum… terrible joke).
As a kid, I had lots of hair. I grew it out in high-school, and had really quite long hair for almost all of my twenty’s and the first half of my thirty’s. I could tell it had started to recede pretty early on, but it was slow and gradual. I was always conscious of it though, and felt the pressure that much of society puts on (particularly young) males having full heads of hair. I’d feel embarrassed and ashamed, most often wearing caps, bandannas or (my personal favourite) buffs, and avoiding situations where I had to take them off.
In my mid thirty’s, I was doing a job I’d loved, but the workplace had tragically turned toxic. I was going downhill, and soon was diagnosed with work related stress, resulting in anxiety and depression. Not long after I was put onto some prescription anti-depressants. While I know of many people this medication has worked for, I was not one of those, and one of the several side effects was hair loss.. It was aggressive, and was one of the things that shattered my self-confidence and self-image.
Throughout that period, nights were the worst for me mentally. My brain would be constantly churning through all the negative things that were going on in my life at the time (or from any stage in my past). One of the thousand things I’d be thinking about were all of the, supposedly joking, comments about my balding which would replay in my mind over and over. I remember holding my head in my hands, and having clumps come out, which frankly, didn’t help the situation much.
After several months, I decided to shave off what was left of my hair. The decision was hard, as my hair had made up a significant part of my identity.
Nowadays, I keep my head shaved, (have grown out my beard to ridiculous proportions and have a ridiculous schooner sized ring of dreads on the back of my head), but it still doesn’t change the pain and irrational feelings of stupidity and responsibility - as though it was somehow my fault, or I chose to be going bald‽
So, perhaps next time one of your mates is showing the signs of losing some or all of their hair, rather than making fun of them, what they probably need is some love, support and acceptance.
(And sorry again Mum. You know I love you and your beautiful hair!)
(NEW) Kilt of the day - 1962 Australian Army Kilt in Gordon Tartan from the 10/27 Battalion - Royal South Australia Regiment
Many thanks to Ron from Beechworth Galleries for looking after me, and to Shane for finding it and giving me the heads up.
Soundtrack of the day - (which I’m already regretting cause you should never have to apologise to your dear Mother thrice in a journal entry!) - The Beach Boys - She's Goin' Bald (1967)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csMRvXWxzsU
You could also listen to just about anything from Strapping Young Lad or The Devin Townsend Project. Both spearheaded by Devin Townsend, and incredible musician who rocked a ‘Skullet’ for many years, and also has lived with depression and was diagnosed bi-polar.
Link of the day - Why going bald can seriously affect your mental health - Dr Max Pemberton
https://patient.info/news-and-features/can-going-bald-cause-depression
Nerdy & unrelated link of the day - Sad Badger - a blog from a Scot about 1980’s microcomputing
[…and spare a thought for all the sad badgers out there. Or perhaps they should be called Sadgers?… I’ll let myself out.]
