day forty-two - into the furnace
Today, I feel spent - Like a kids toy, barely operating due to dying batteries. It seems as though I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.
Last night, I was up till perhaps 4:30 am writing and posting journal entries. I got about 3 hours of light sleep after that, and went about preparing lessons for the afternoon and evening. After teaching, I felt like a shadow. As though I was operating on muscle memory alone.
My body ached, I was too exhausted to feed myself properly so I barely ate, my mind had the processing power of a computer back when Bill Gates claimed that “640K ought to be enough for anybody”, and what little sleep bank I had was seriously in the red.
Why am I saying all of this? Frankly, I don’t know. I’m rambling and exhausted, but the commitment I’ve made to journaling each day, and the pressure I sometimes feel to complete it is worth pushing through tonight, in order to wake without the weight of it over my head.
I’ve been dealing with sleep deficit for years, but today felt distinctly different. Perhaps it’s because I’m not just attempting to deal with normal life, but I’m also thinking about some really difficult topics and dealing with experiences and emotions from the past.
This year isn’t supposed to be all kilt and games. There’s a price, but that’s ok.
Sometimes I’m accused of burning the candle at both ends. Right now, I feel like the candle got thrown in the furnace.
Look after yourselves, my friends. Sleep is golden & I’m off to bed!
Kilt of the day - Black Watch Tartan
Soundtrack of the day - 4’33” - John Cage
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/4%E2%80%B233%E2%80%B3
Bonus Soundtrack of the day - Sleepify by Vulfpeck
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXvncV79LXk
Lazy ‘I really need to be asleep, rather than spending an hour or three researching and reading about the subject, but I’m sure there are some interesting peer-reviewed articles in this list, so I’m just going to leave this here’ link of the day - “Sleep deprivation and mental health” - Google Scholar search
