day eighty - not ok

Facade patch from Livin - a mental health and suicide prevention NFP based in Queensland

Today hasn’t been a great day. If I could take a do-over, I’d be half tempted to grab it with both hands, and yet terrified that it may turn out the same way, and I’d have to go through it all again.

Given the situation we are all facing globally, both with the climate emergency and the pandemic, feeling worried, down, and anxious is all par for the course. Trying to walk that line between full blown panic and ignorant complacence isn’t easy with the clearest of minds. Somewhere in the middle is making responsible, informed and ethical decisions. None of it is easy.

My brain isn’t my friend, pressure is building, things seem bleak and it’s easy to take things the wrong way. It’s the kind of day when, if I were to do an online mental health evaluation such as those through Black Dog Institute, there would be quite a few red flags.

That said, I’m ok. (well… that’s not quite true. I’m not ok, but that’s ok. It just feels almost normal, like this is what I should be expecting, and that sucks). But seriously, I’m ok, just not good. Self-harm has rarely been an issue for me, though self-destructive behaviour is, at times, sadly more my style. I may forget to eat, or smash through two packets of jatz crackers, a block of cheese, a bottle of carbonated sugar and a pack of ‘fun’ sized chocolate covered misnomers. I’ll not be able to sleep until the dawn light taints the night sky, and then try to operate on two hours sleep the following day.

It’s one of those days when unless you’re spending protracted periods of time with me, you’ll probably only see the mask; the happy, caring face that’s covering what I’m really feeling. That’s not to say that the happiness and care is disingenuous, it’s just so much easier to give it, than feel it myself, and the guilt, shame, and desire not to pass on the mood, means the mask is, at times, necessary

When I’m alone though, it’s a strange mix of being completely numb, and having a thousand things and emotions race through my mind. Either that, or I’ll get fixated on an issue, something that has happened, or even a small string of words. It’s when the responsibility of ‘being ok’ and being brave for the sake of others goes, and you’re left without the mask, without that as a coping strategy - and that can be a daunting, hollow and harrowing experience. Time becomes irrelevant, and you can find yourself in the same seat having done nothing but try not to think. Two hours can feel like 15 minutes - or vice versa. - Not recommended 1 star

So today sucked, but for now, I think I’m just going to find a blanket, welcome unconsciousness and see what tomorrow brings.

Much love.

Kilt of the Day - Ross Modern Hunting Tartan Sport Kilt

Soundtrack of the day - Hollow - Freak Kitchen (with the incredible Mattias I.A. Eklundh)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtM5S_jtlaY&list=FL9Qo-r5XvtIA7igEKaLanog&index=138

Soundtrack of the day that’s worryingly dark, but don’t worry, it’s satire, (though you may never think of Ariel the same way again) - Murmaider - Dethklok (from Metalocalypse)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60YYQZhBae0

Link of the day - Depression Self Test - The Black Dog Institute

Please note that while great care has been taken with the development of this self-test, it is not a substitute for professional clinical advice.

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/clinical-resources/depression/depression-self-test

Livin - #itaintweaktospeak

https://livin.org/pages/about-us

Entire series to binge in a day - Metalocalypse - adult swim (released for free during the pandemic)

https://www.adultswim.com/videos/metalocalypse

(bear in mind, it’s an acquired taste, and only for a metal loving, adult audience - you have been warned)